I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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