Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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