Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
