I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
