He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
