There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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