Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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