Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
