Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
