Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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