Porn is love you can see.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
