Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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