I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
