we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize