Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
