She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
is that a dick in a sweater?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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