I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
