Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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