rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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