the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize