i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize