im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
