Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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