i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
