if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
