I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
