i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
