i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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