Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
