Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
