U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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