Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
