Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
