Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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