and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
