I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The adults are the big ones right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
