Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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