my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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