someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
