Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize