you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
