I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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