It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
