Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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