I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
