I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
