I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
