it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
