My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
