Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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