How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
