"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
