Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
