Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
