you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
