You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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