R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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