guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
