I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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